Family Response to Drug Abuse and the Holidays

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If a loved one shows up, ruining family events and holidays under the influence of alcohol or drugs, what should I do?

  1. Distinguish the love you have for the person from the frustration you feel about their behavior. Talk openly about the two with your loved one and your family.
  2. Talk openly with your family and the person with the substance use problem about the problem. Don’t keep secrets.
  3. “Invite them to get help”- pushing/ controlling usually makes things worse. Take care of yourself and your family by setting limits.
  4. Set limits with your loved one and let them know that you will drive them to a treatment center to get help.
  5. Set limits with your loved one and let them know that you will drive them back home if they show up or become drunken or drugged.
  6. Set limits with your loved one and tell them that family time is off-limits for drunken or drugged behavior.
  7. Make it clear to your loved one and your family that they are “sick”, not “bad”.
  8. Communicate “stern love”: you care so much that you want to help them get well, rather than supporting them to destroy themselves.

How can I prepare my family for another holiday with someone’s alcohol or drug abuse problem?

  1. Before holidays and family events, communicate openly with the family and the loved one with the alcohol or drug problem and set a plan.
  2. Decide upon responses to and limit setting about drunk or drugged behavior and follow-though!
  3. Let the person with the alcohol or drug use problem know that the family loves them and only wants to help them get better.
  4. Communicate to the family and loved one the meaning of “enabling”: supporting continued alcohol or drug abuse by avoiding, ignoring, or enabling drunk or drugged behavior.
  5. Offer to meet with the substance abusing loved one before the event or holiday to discuss how their problem affects you, and to help find them treatment for the problem.
  6. Call a professional or treatment program before you meet with the loved one so as to prepare for an opportunity to help them get better.

What do I do if my loved one with the alcohol or drug use problem denies their problem or gets angry?

  1. Communicate “stern love”: you care so much that you want to help them get well, rather than continue to destroy themselves.
  2. Use the “broken record” technique”: repeat what you are saying if it isn’t being heard or considered.
  3. Express your caring, compassionate feelings before expressing your frustration.
  4. Recall and discuss incidents where drunk or drugged behavior ruined family events or holidays. Describe your past excuses for their behavior.
  5. Attempt to get the help of a professional or a friend who has experience with recovery.
  6. Step away from the conversation if you find yourself becoming angry or controlling.

What do I do if a family member or members don’t want to deal with or talk about the problem?

  1. Let them know that secrets and silence enables alcohol and drug abuse to grow into deeper, more dangerous conditions.
  2. Remind them of past occasions where family events or holidays were ruined by drunk or drugged behavior.
  3. Discuss possible consequences of your loved one’s continued alcohol or drug abuse.
  4. Discuss possible outcomes of talking openly with your loved one about their problem.
  5. Suggest reading material related to alcohol and drug abuse/ addiction.
  6. Set a plan.